There are moments when you are forced to really take a look at yourself or for a moment see yourself through another's eyes (in this case my husband). I had such a moment today and it left me shaken by how utterly unperfect I am. It's funny how a few words can do that to you. Why did it shake me to my very core? Because, in all honesty I try to do my best. I try to make everyone happy. I try to be there for my family - to fulfill their needs and yes, even their wants. So it hurts when you are hit with such undeniable failure at the very thing that you strive for.
It made me think about all my shortcomings and I am saddened by how long the list is.
1. I am NOT a perfect mother. There are so many ways in which I fail on a daily basis at being a mom that I can only hope and pray that the good far outweighs the bad. That when my girls are grown and look back at their childhood they will remember it fondly and forgive my many failures and shortcomings. That they will not hold against me the many times I became frustrated or angry and yelled (way more often than I care to admit). I hope they don't dwell on all the times I was too busy (or simply did not want to) play. I hope they do not recall all the things that were said in frustration that I later wish I hadn't said. I hope they never realize the moments when I was longing for peace and quiet and some time alone when all they wanted was to be with me because above all things I may not be a perfect mom but I love them fiercely . Even on my worst days I wouldn't give up being being their mom for a second. I wouldn't trade all the joy and love that it has brought into my life. I can only hope that above all my imperfections and mistakes, they can feel my love and may that be what they recall when they think of me.
2. I am NOT a perfect wife. I do not rush to greet my husband after a long day of work. Rather, I often forget to even ask him about his day as I struggle to make dinner or fight with my girls to eat. My husband works alot and many times we speak more on the phone than in person. Yet, I do not drop everything when he is home. I often take for granted that he is an adult and will understand that there are other things I need or even want to do. As a mom - we do not get time to ourselves until everyone is asleep. I can be selfish about this time. It's unfair. I know that. Yet, I also need that time to simply unwind. Time where I am not catering to anyone else's needs - I do that all day. It's exhausting. I know he feels that I put his needs last but that is not my intention. I just need some time where I put me first for a change. It seems that somewhere along the way of becoming a wife and mother - being just "me" has gotten lost. I have not figured out a way to balance everything. While my husband may feel that I put him last - I feel like I am overlooked. I am not a perfect wife but I love my husband. Marriage isn't easy, and being married with children is downright hard. I by no means have it figured out and I honestly wonder if I'll ever get it right.
3. I am NOT a perfect daughter. I love my parents deeply. Since becoming a mom I see things through a different set of eyes. My parents were not perfect but I accept that they did their best. They were married young and I honestly don't know how they did it all. They worked hard to give my brother and I good experiences growing up. They tried to make us happy . They were strict - but I always knew they loved me. Yet, days (and sometimes weeks) go by and I get caught up with my life and I do not reach out. Then, I will get a call and they will remind me that I have fallen short & I feel guilty. It's so easy to get wrapped up in my own everyday and forget about everyone else but I don't want to be that daughter. I think about a time when I will not be my daughters' world and it pains me. It pains me to think that one day they will feel too busy to simply call and say hello. I hate that I am that daughter to my own parents. I hope they always know how much I love them even when I fail to show it.
4. I am NOT a perfect sister. My brother lives close by and there are sometimes many weeks when we do not see each other or even speak to each other aside from the occasional text. It's sad because we grew up in such a close knit family. We were always surrounded by aunts, uncles and cousins. I want my girls to know what that feels like. I love my niece and I want for her and my girls to grow up as close as my cousins did. I am failing miserably at it and it makes me sad. I have such a deep bond with my own aunts that I always dreamed I would be the same way when I became an aunt. I'm not.
5. I am NOT a perfect friend. I am the friend that rarely calls, returns calls, etc. I wasn't always that way. I used to be the friend that everyone turned to because they knew I would listen no matter what. Now, I find that I am the last to know things, the one least turned to. It hurts but I can only blame myself.
I find that wearing so many hats is hard. Being everything to everyone is impossible and I am quite obviously falling short in all areas. How do we find that magical balance that keeps everyone happy? How do we find a way to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend? How do we find a way to keep everyone happy and still find time for ourselves in all of this? I really wish I knew because right now I feel like I am not making anyone happy and it's a hard pill to swallow.
Bern